Nearly 50% of people with joint pain struggle with intimacy

Findings from our Joint Pain Matters report showed that nearly half (49.29%) of respondents with joint pain struggle with intimate relationships. We explore how joint pain affects self-esteem, sexuality and relationships, as well as the steps you can take to keep the spark alive between you and your partner.

Joint pain can make intimacy tricky

Our Joint Pain Matters report analysed the results of a survey of more than 8,000 people living with joint pain. We found that many respondents with joint pain struggle with intimate relationships, admitting that they don't want to burden their prospective partner with the hardship associated with chronic musculoskeletal pain.

The most common reasons why respondents said they did not desire intimate relationships include:

• Feeling like a burden: Some people with joint pain don't want to burden the people they love with their health issues, preventing them from entering or staying in relationships
• Lack of self-confidence: Some people with joint pain feel less confident as a result of their pain, which interferes with how they perceive their appearance and "desirability". In turn, this impacts how a person enters relationships and feels when meeting new people
• Sexual intercourse is painful: Some people with joint pain find sexual intercourse painful and therefore not enjoyable
• Role switch: Sometimes, joint pain impacts a relationship dynamic, resulting in one half of a partnership acting as a primary carer. This can, in turn, lead to struggles with intimacy

Consultant rheumatologist at North Hampshire Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust and Arthritis Action's Medical Advisor Dr Wendy Holden says: “People experiencing pain often don't want to share their difficulties with their partners. They don’t wish to appear vulnerable to them or in some way different to them. This can strain relationships.”

Some respondents admitted that they’ve stopped having sex with their current partner, now sleep in separate beds from their partner, or find sex uncomfortable and painful due to joint pain. Other respondents said that they feel too tired for romance because they suffer from poor sleep as a result of their pain.

Our Joint Pain Matters campaign shows more than a third (37.38%) of our respondents experience disrupted sleep every single night due to joint pain.

"I don’t have the energy to be intimate and I also don’t feel my partner is attracted to me anymore." – Anonymous survey respondent

Joint pain impacts intimacy across all age groups

Joint pain can affect romantic relationships in people of all ages. Our findings show that young people with joint pain are more likely to feel a strain on their romantic relationship as a result of battling chronic pain.

An overwhelming 67.86% of 35 to 44-year-olds reported that romantic relationships with their partner or spouse have been affected by joint pain. In respondents aged 65 to 74 suffering from joint pain, this outcome was less likely to be the case, with only 41.01% of that age group saying that their romantic relationships have been affected by joint pain.

This disparity across age groups could be for a multitude of reasons, for example joint pain is more common and perhaps better understood among older people.

How to reconnect and re-establish intimacy when in pain

Every relationship is unique, but there are two main things you should take into account as you try to move towards increased physical intimacy.

Take steps to prepare yourself physically for sex

Arthritis Research UK reports that fear around causing pain during sex can lead to withdrawal from a physical relationship. The organisation notes that having a warm shower before sex can help relax your muscles, alleviate pain and allow you to feel more comfortable. It also recommends using water-based lubricating gels. You can get these on prescription or from a pharmacy, supermarket, or online. Oil-based lubricants might irritate your skin. If you're going through the menopause this can cause vaginal dryness, so it’s important to discuss this option with your doctor to discover which is the best option for you.

Some respondents said that they keep the intimacy alive in their relationship by being careful and gentle during sex.

Communication is key

Sometimes, joint pain can have an impact your self-esteem and cause you to withdraw from physical contact. But it is important to let your partner(s) know how your joint pain symptoms are affecting you, which can have a positive impact on the intimacy you share in turn.

Dr Wendy Holden says: “Having painful joints can make a physical relationship unappealing. Good communication between partners or spouses is therefore essential.”

If you feel uncomfortable or experience pain during sex, it’s essential that you discuss this with your partner. However, if you are struggling to speak to your partner about this, a counsellor or therapist might be able to help you reconnect with intimacy together.

Communicating in a relationship isn’t always straightforward if you and your partner have differing views. Sometimes, it takes time for both partners to process information and emotions. Be patient and allow space for your partner to express themselves at their own pace. If conflicts arise, focus on finding solutions that work for both of you. Be willing to compromise and seek mutually beneficial outcomes. Make it a habit to check in with each other regularly, even when things are going well. Discuss your relationship, your goals, and how you can support each other through your chronic pain to having a fulfilling, intimate relationship.

Remember that effective communication is an ongoing process that requires effort from both partners. It's about building trust, understanding, and emotional connection. Be patient with each other and strive to create a safe and supportive space for open and honest communication in your relationship.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) might help

Many people with chronic pain have cognitive behavioural therapy to help them manage the impact chronic pain has on their mental health. CBT helps individuals become aware of their automatic negative thought patterns, such as irrational beliefs, self-criticism, and cognitive distortions. You might feel inadequate in a relationship, or unattractive, due to your chronic pain, but this is not the case. CBT can help you build confidence, challenge negative thought patterns with constructive problem-solving skills and techniques, which can have a direct impact on your behaviours.

You will learn to recognise the impact of your thoughts on your emotional well-being, which could have a positive impact on the way you approach intimacy and communication in your relationship. It goes without saying that CBT cannot cure your chronic pain or help reduce your physical symptoms, but it can make you feel better about yourself and protect your emotional wellbeing, which could change the way you feel about intimacy and your partner.

Try talking therapy as a couple

Talking therapy with your partner, such as couples counselling or relationship therapy, offers several valuable benefits. Firstly, it provides a safe and structured space for open and honest communication, allowing both partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns while feeling heard and understood. It fosters better understanding of each other's perspectives and can help resolve conflicts more effectively. Talking therapy also equips couples with practical tools and strategies to improve communication, conflict resolution, and problem-solving skills, enhancing the overall quality of your relationship.

Moreover, it can strengthen emotional intimacy, rebuild trust, and promote greater emotional connection and support between partners, ultimately leading to a healthier and more satisfying partnership. Your therapist will want to know more about your intimate life and how you manage it considering your chronic pain so that they can help you as much as possible.

Tackling joint pain with traditional treatment

This goes for any type of chronic pain: tackling the source with traditional treatment can help reduce your symptoms and improve your overall quality of life – including your relationships and sex life.

Altering your lifestyle

You might be recommended certain lifestyle changes, such as regular exercise and a healthy, balanced diet, to help you manage your chronic pain.

Appropriate exercises, both through physiotherapy and recreational exercise, can help improve muscle strength and flexibility, which can reduce stress on your joints and provide better support for your body. This can be especially helpful for chronic pain conditions related to musculoskeletal issues, such as lower back pain or osteoarthritis.

Regular exercise can also stimulate the release of endorphins, which are natural painkillers produced by your body. Endorphins can help reduce the perception of pain and improve your overall mood, which could have a positive impact on your relationships and approach to intimacy.

Seeking treatment

Pain medication, steroid medication, physiotherapy and even surgery can help you manage the condition that is causing your chronic pain, helping you feel better during sex as well as in everyday life.

Get help with Circle Health Group

If you are struggling with chronic pain and intimacy, there are many options you can try to improve your situation.

At Circle Health Group we offer tailored treatment, including surgery, cognitive behavioural therapy, and steroid injection therapy, to help you manage a variety of chronic pain conditions. We also offer counselling services for couples.

If you want to know more about our treatment options, book your appointment online today or call a member of our team directly.